Paying a Visit to Menards

Menards is a shady Minnesota hardware store that is a magnet for all of the back-woods rednecks up here. My dad sent me there to get his office keys copied. This is the "my family tree is a straight line" club headquarters. Anyway, there was little old me at the key counter in my skirt and cardigan, looking around the place, observing "the show." I was waiting for a beady-eyed, overweight, red-headed guy (whose uniform looks like every day he thows it on the floor after work and then, the next day, picks it up from the same spot to put it on before work), to finish copying my dad's keys. I was surrounded by men and women alike, sporting mullets of all shapes and sizes, dirty clothes with holes, lots of stubble and dirt on their bodies, sweat stains, horrendous accents, etc... When Big Red was finally done, I bolted out of there. But, as I was fleeing the store, I noticed the guy in front of me had a shirt on that said "Kountry Kousins" with a picture of a country/woodsy man who was body wrestling with his donkey--legs and everything intertwined. This state should be called "the Land of 10,000 Red-Necks, not 10,000 Lakes.

Daddy likes Jewish Music

The D.J. for the wedding reception called our house today and e-mailed me--trying to get me to submit the week-late music information over the internet. Of course, none of us answered the phone and I haven't responded to her e-mail because the whole music profile is held-up on my dad and I picking out our father-daughter dance song. So, after today's indirect prodding from the D.J., my dad and I sat down to go over the dance selection on the D.J. website. As we were glancing over songs classified as "Traditional," he suddenly perks up, and bolts up in his chair: "OHHHHHHHH, they have 'Hava Nagilah'!" Dad then proceeded to do this goofy dance around the room, exclaiming that it's danced in a line like the "bunny hop" and led by someone who's done it before. He kept saying "OH! It's soooo much fun, Anne Marie!"
So, after asking him what the heck it is and where that kookie name comes from, he said "it's a jewish song." I asked him: "a jewish song at a catholic reception?" And, he said he had been to many catholic receptions where this song was played and that it was soooooo much fun. Thus, the next question this frazzled bride asked was: "are there going to be people at the reception who know how to do this dance...like your family or your friends?" But, dad didn't know. Needless to say, we ended up picking out Moon River as our father-daughter dance song.

Why is my brother a jerk?

The other day, my dad bought my brother a used car. Today is the first day that it was insured, so Joe was driving around all day. I went out for the night and when I came back, Joe parked his car in my spot in the driveway, where I parked my car everyday for 4 months. Why else would he do this than to intentionally get under my skin?

White Bread

Going to Subway is always awkward for me when there is a minority behind the counter. It's the part when they ask "what type of bread would you like that on?" And I have to say "White" (and I'm white--like i'm pointing out the racial difference or a racial preference). This is probably due to the heightened racial sensitivity induced by our culture and the media...or maybe i'm just insane.

French Kiss Cocktail

1 part apricot juice
2 parts Champagne
1 apricot slice, for garnish

Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls, It Tolls for Thee

We have a grandfather clock in our house. For those who don't know what that is, it's one of those clocks which are 6 feet tall and chime a little melody before tolling the hour. Well, the other night, around two or three-o'clock in the morning, the damn thing tolled one-hundred o'clock. My little sister, Catherine, in her bed, counted it toll all 100 times!........................Now, isn't that just kookie!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

After having 3 Rum & Cokes, I went to a baseball game where I had to help a 4-year old girl clean herself up after she downloaded A TON of yellow poo with seeds in it into her pants, down her leg, and into her sandals. It also went up her lower back. Luckily, she had a change of clothes at the game. After she was cleaned up, she was running all over the place and giggling like nothing at all had happened.